We are going away for a week, to see the moms - and between working hard this week, and getting-ready-to-leave- stress and just regular life-stress - I started to feel disconnected and slightly nervous.
So, I started cleaning and rearranging. When I first noticed this pattern in my behavior, I thought it was destructive - in that I put things away and shove artwork into drawers, and hide my yarns. What I've learned this year is that cleaning and arranging is my way of trying to take control in a world that often feels so out of control. So I try to channel it into a more constructive manner, tackling things that I've put off for a long time, or making something that I've wanted to do for awhile, or finding/making a new place to put yarns and craft items.
Alot of this nervousness and anxiety has to do with Bella husbands death. I don't know Bella well, just a bit from IF. But it doesn't matter, she seemed like a nice lady, and her art is good, - she seemed to have a happy life. What is so scary is how a happy, even keeled life can change in an instant with the death or illness of a loved one. I know it happens every day, in war and in peace. I know that life appears to be unfair and shocking and frightening at the same time that it is wonderful and lovely and a gift from the gods.
But what I worry about is the randomness of it all, and the question of how to live your life as a human with wonderfully high and woefully low emotions - enjoying everything that you have - yet allowing your human-ness to exist. Should you count your blessing every minute? Do you go thru the day being a complete saint (not me) and never letting anything petty get you down? or do you worry about the toilet paper being on the roll backwards and yell upstairs like a fool when the seat is left up again. How does the saint and the sinner co-exist?
In terms of resolutions to be a better person, I made a vow a long time ago to give DH a good bye kiss every morning, even on those mornings that I wish I hadn't made that vow. That small gesture seems to tide me over for the day, whether I'm angry as hell for some reason, or goofy in love, or just having a normal human day. It's a small "thank you" to who-or what ever for the blessings that I have. Then I tromp off to work and get annoyed at the slow traffic, or pissy about some imagined slight - or whatever. How petty it all seems!
I certainly don't know the answer. My heart breaks for Bella and for other friends who have had similar losses and pains.
But my house is cleaner, somewhat organized - and I feel a bit calmer.