Saturday, October 3, 2009

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

We dashed to Sarasota on Thursday where MIL was in the country club of hospitals - with lovely views and delicious food. Friends nearby could visit and she was quite content - albeit, confused as to why they wanted her to stay in the hospital. She kept claiming that she "feels fine" and the medical staff keeps pointing out that she is a walking time bomb with a huge aneurysm. They were keeping her in Sarasota until a bed could be found in Gainesville - a big city hospital where the ONLY surgeon who specializes in this type of surgery can be found. Finally they got a bed opened for her and an ambulance came and got her for the 3 hour drive. DH and I drove later that night and finally got to bed after 24 wakeful hours.

More tests the next day. Finally last night a visit from the surgeon. "oh yes, it has to be done - but I can't do it Monday, we'll see about Tuesday or Wednesday". And all this in a big, rather depressing city hospital; far from friends.

We are very conflicted. We don't "need" to be here and are taking time off from work and staying in a hotel. We will "need" to be here later on when decisions might need to be made; or when care needs to be given. I "need" to be at work after this last year of Dad's death, and mom's accident, and lawyers, lawyers, lawyers! So the plan is that I will go home tomorrow and come back later in the week..and I feel that this is what I want to do...and therefore I also feel guilty.

Guilt. what a burden! Since I really do want to go home, and am here for basically moral support only, I feel guilty that perhaps I am doing what I want to do and not what I "should" be doing. I've spent most of my life doing the bidding of others, and after all that time, I get confused at understanding if I am doing something to be a "good" person (wife, daughter, etc) or if I am doing the right thing for myself and all concerned. I struggle with the split between being available for others and needing to be available for myself.

I ramble on here. I'm tired of smiling and talking to Doctors and Nurses and telling them "yes, I have a medical background, don't talk to me like I'm a two year old". I'm worried about MIL - this is HUGE surgery and she may not survive, or may survive with complications, or may just be fine. I'm worried about what her insurance covers. I'm sad, she is very dear to me and I can't stand the thought of losing her just yet. I'm worried about how my husband will take it if she does not come thru this with flying colors.

What a year this has been so far.

Be well,

20 comments:

sukipoet said...

Oh my god. I sent prayers to your MIL. My dad had an aneurism and was very resistant to getting the operation, but it must be done in this case. Dad did quite well, his only recovery problem an evil bedsore which required rehab treatment.

I understand so well your delemma. Between the shoulds and the what I need to do for me's.

Truthfully, I think we create clarity when we follow the what I need to do for me path. You have said you will return. Meanwhile you will take care of you. This has been a traumatic year for you, dear Mim. And it is important for you to take good care of you even in stressful circumstances. When you say, I am flying home for a few days, you create clarity for the others as they then can decide what they are going to do or not do based on that information. If you stick around resentful that you didnt listen to you, confusion arises.

soulbrush said...

oh mim, what a terrible situation to find yourself in. i agree largely with suki, you need to do what is right for you- call it work, call it self preservation, and then try not too think too much about it afterwards, and not to beat yourself up about your decision. you know very well that one will always have regrets, but the fewer we have, the better for us. thinking of you and sending very very strong healing wishes and love for your mil.

Lisa at Greenbow said...

Throw that guilt right out the window. No time for that now. You just take care of yourself and your business. Your hubby can be in charge of the major worrying etc. You can be there to pick up the pieces and help through what comes up. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Bea said...

((((((Big hug))))))))
Everybody who has commented as already said what I would have said.
I will hold your MIL and your family in my thoughts, prayers and meditations. :)Bea

Lynn said...

Good decision Mim!
Here's a bucket for the guilt. Put it in here please and dump it. Not necessary for anyone's well being.
Mom obviously has son and others by her side? Has the best surgeon in the area! You went when you were called. You assessed the situation and it's being taken care of. You are NOT super woman, well, maybe you are but your super powers are needed elsewhere right now. It's hard to be in two places at once. Hard when the ill person is so far away. My heart goes out to you. But I agree with your decision (in case you needed support in that area) and pray for the best for MIL. (My mom survived an anyurism when I was 19. She was fine afterwards and lived a long life afterwards. I hope your MIL is as fortunate. Sending prays of healing and hope her way...and yours for support and reminders to let go of the guilt. Hugs too.

marianne said...

Oh my gosh Mim! What a situation!
This is too much in one year.
It is hard to follow what your heart tells you to if it has so much interference from the mind.
Guilt is a bad adviser!
How your MIL will pull through!
And that you can hold on and get rid of the guilt.

I will think of you!

Mim said...

Thank you all - I have made some decisions and therefore feel a bit calmer. I will fly home tomorrow morning after a night at my moms, and then come back tuesday AM as her surgery is Tuesday. Yes, only 2 days at home but therapeutic for me. At least I can get wireles at the hospital, so will be able to keep up with things at work while waiting.

Guilt is such a burden - some people are not burdened by that feeling at all, I am always amazed at their ability to just "move on". Me...??? Angst!!

ElizT said...

All the best Mim,

Baino said...

Mim, you're right. She's in the best hands for now and you will be much more useful to her when she's convalescing. I hope all goes well for her and you . .it's a tough time for you. I'll be thinking about you all. I understand the guilt thing, I'm often wracked with it myself but you've chosen the right course for now. Bless.

sukipoet said...

glad you made the choice for you. you will return refreshed. angst. I know that well. but mostly, it is "just thinking" as the Buddhists say.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Good thoughts coming your way. No guilt allowed.

kj said...

mim, guilt means either "i should" or "i wish" and neither gives the object of the guilt anything of value. it's an emotion that doesn't help anybody involved. i've found it's best to ask 'what is my preference?"

and mim, you are a wonderful person. you are doing your very best. please don't forget that. i understand how you feel.

email to follow soon

xoxox

studio lolo said...

I feel that if we truly follow our hearts we can't go wrong. If you do something just because you 'should' then you'll likely be resentful. It's a tough call though, wanting to be there for those you love is noble and good. Just don't lose 'you' in the process.

Sending love and prayers~
xo

Debra Kay said...

I can completely relate to your situation. YOU are a good person no matter what you do. Put yourself where you can do the most good-because you are not responsible for the outcome of any of it.

I had a great epiphany at the horse races-won't go into detail, but for the first time I realized that the bad thing would have happened no matter where on earth I happened to be at the moment-seeing it or not seeing it-does not make us any more to BLAME. You cannot fix this no matter what you do. Release yourself from that unfair expectation.

Your family is very lucky to have you, and I am very lucky to have you as a friend!

kj said...

midnight.

time for bed. just after i wish the best for you and dh's mother.

good hearts don't grow on trees any more than good friend do. it's late: hopefully you get my drift.

xoxo mim

katie jane said...

Mim, this has got to be so tough on you. And so scary. I hope you can sort it all out and that nothing major/drastic happens to your mom. I didn't have the luxury of decision-making or guilt in 1982 when my dad died suddenly of a brain aneurism at the age of 53. I'm thinking of you.

Laure Ferlita said...

Kind thoughts, healing love and deep prayers are sent your way for you to find peace, your MIL's recovery, your DH's worry and angst as well as to the surgeon and other family and friends.

As you always say, Mim, be well.

Laura said...

So sorry to hear, I hope everything works out well. Thanks so much for stopping by :>

Michele said...

I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. I think the past two years have really been such a struggle for so many people. There must be a pivitol turning point coming soon for all of us. Hang in there and I'll add you and your MIL to my prayers.

soulbrush said...

i do hope she got through the operation well and that you feel okay too. am thinking of you and her lots and lots and hubby too. xxxxxx