We dashed to Sarasota on Thursday where MIL was in the country club of hospitals - with lovely views and delicious food. Friends nearby could visit and she was quite content - albeit, confused as to why they wanted her to stay in the hospital. She kept claiming that she "feels fine" and the medical staff keeps pointing out that she is a walking time bomb with a huge aneurysm. They were keeping her in Sarasota until a bed could be found in Gainesville - a big city hospital where the ONLY surgeon who specializes in this type of surgery can be found. Finally they got a bed opened for her and an ambulance came and got her for the 3 hour drive. DH and I drove later that night and finally got to bed after 24 wakeful hours.
More tests the next day. Finally last night a visit from the surgeon. "oh yes, it has to be done - but I can't do it Monday, we'll see about Tuesday or Wednesday". And all this in a big, rather depressing city hospital; far from friends.
We are very conflicted. We don't "need" to be here and are taking time off from work and staying in a hotel. We will "need" to be here later on when decisions might need to be made; or when care needs to be given. I "need" to be at work after this last year of Dad's death, and mom's accident, and lawyers, lawyers, lawyers! So the plan is that I will go home tomorrow and come back later in the week..and I feel that this is what I want to do...and therefore I also feel guilty.
Guilt. what a burden! Since I really do want to go home, and am here for basically moral support only, I feel guilty that perhaps I am doing what I want to do and not what I "should" be doing. I've spent most of my life doing the bidding of others, and after all that time, I get confused at understanding if I am doing something to be a "good" person (wife, daughter, etc) or if I am doing the right thing for myself and all concerned. I struggle with the split between being available for others and needing to be available for myself.
I ramble on here. I'm tired of smiling and talking to Doctors and Nurses and telling them "yes, I have a medical background, don't talk to me like I'm a two year old". I'm worried about MIL - this is HUGE surgery and she may not survive, or may survive with complications, or may just be fine. I'm worried about what her insurance covers. I'm sad, she is very dear to me and I can't stand the thought of losing her just yet. I'm worried about how my husband will take it if she does not come thru this with flying colors.
What a year this has been so far.