Saturday, May 17, 2008

Saturday night - update

Hi all, 
Sorry to be such a downer yesterday - I'll tell you what happened. 

Remember a few weeks ago I found some porn on a friends computer?  I took the advice and never said anything to her, but just found out yesterday, thru tears and wailing, that she also found it. AND - she started doing some snooping and found out that her beloved husband of 15 years - as close a best friend as she ever thought she would have - has been doing more than just internet activities - he's been fooling around with at least one woman - maybe two!   She read emails, and tracked some phone numbers and had figured out what was - or had been - going on.  She's not vindictive and is not going to call out these women - but was one very angry and devastated woman. 

It devastated me also, since their marriage is one of those that you think is "perfect".  He is sensitive to her needs, but fun...seemingly devoted, supportive of her career, pitches in at home and to top it off - ain't bad looking.  There is an age difference between them - he's about 10 years older than her (must be around 50) but is active, and successful.  It always rocks my boat when something this dramatic happens to a close friend. 

We spent hours talking and crying and I just listened.  I don't know at all how to advise her, but did recommend that she take some time to get her anger under control, gave her the name of a therapist and then got mad myself, and fumed and cried all night.  I still just can't believe it - I would have never thought that he would cheat on his wonderful, loving wife.  (but of course, I reminded myself that I have no idea as to what goes on behind their bedroom doors - and have no intention of asking.)

She did confront him with her findings and he claims that "nothing really happened" and "don't worry about it - it meant nothing" and "it'll never happen again" etc etc, but really did not seem all that remorseful from what she said.  

How can you ever trust someone who would do this to you?  Was it just a fall from grace, or a lifelong habit?  How can one tell?  
Are all men just dogs?   Any answers out there???

I certainly am glad that I wasn't the one to tell her about his internet stuff, wow, what a mess that would have been. 


ksklein said...

It is horrible when these kind of things happen, but Mim, I´m really glad this happened to your friend and not to you.
I hope I won´t get a bashing now, but I think that the majority of men do this after years of marriage. While I do not think that porno should be harmful or negative for a relationship (just my personal opinion) I´m not a huge fan of it either when it gets too much attention from one side.
But it is different when real people are involved and relationships outside of marriage are started. I have experienced this too and I have to say that I think it usually happens when something in a relationship is not working properly. I´m trying to say that both partners have their mistakes. Still I´m not defending the husband. There must have been problems, but then he should have talked.
My advice is that they should go to the therapist together. It just seems like my experience: I was agnry and he said it didn´t mean anything. After calming down, the only thing that helped us was to talk, talk, talk. And to learn talking properly we went to see a therapist. She was great. SHe really helped.
(I hope this wasn´t too much information.)

ksklein said...

And no... not all men are dogs. ;)

Debra Kay said...

My lengthy, and vast experienced answer did not take. What is UP with Blogger these days?

The clif notes version-it doesn't have to be the end, expectations for this were probably never defined and men look for loopholes.

If you want to talk more, e-mail me and I'll give you a more inside view.

Forever Young said...

god, i am so glad you didn't tell her either. i believe that most men are dogs, sorry but i do! the world is all upside down and there is just too much choice and enticement waiting to lure people away, also we are all searching , searching for who knows what! poor lady, the problem now is ...does she believe him and will she fogive him?

Michele said...

Wow, I haven't had any time to read blogs in a bit and catching up with your is a doozie. What a jerk your friend's husband is. Sadly, I think he has probably been behaving this way for a long time. I always suspected the porn freak I was married to way back when was also probably cheating on me. He had this one really pretty blonde coworker that he suddenly started talking about ... how much he hated her and couldn't stand how she had all this blonde hair on her face. I thought it was a strange thing to even notice about a coworker until years later I finally realized they were probably having an affair and she had dumped him. I'm naive that way. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. She needs all the suppor she can get right now.